


Everytime (I See You)

by wistfullywishing



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Broken Hearts, Denial, Falling In Love, Feelings, Five Stages of Grief, Jealousy, Jongdae treasures his couch, Love Triangles, Love/Hate, M/M, Pining, With A Twist, kyungsoo cooks for everyone lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-19
Updated: 2017-06-19
Packaged: 2018-11-15 22:56:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11241024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wistfullywishing/pseuds/wistfullywishing
Summary: Hate and love are just two sides of the same coin.(Alternatively, 'The Five Stages of Loving Byun Baekhyun' as experienced by Kim Jongdae.)





	Everytime (I See You)

**Author's Note:**

> First time doing baekchen!! this ended up being way more elaborate than i had originally planned, but im pretty happy with how this turned out!
> 
> Things that were my inspiration: [this video especially at 2:37](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_dfmoCCEabo) , [this video at 0:46, 1:00, basically this entire video lol](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EFXB01lvXNw) , chenbaek's angel voices, my loving and supporting beta (infinity thanks <3), everything exo does, waiting for the comeback, etc. XD

_ I. denial _

When Kim Jongdae’s best friend, Park Chanyeol, introduces him to his new boyfriend in the winter of their senior year of university, Jongdae hates the man instantly.

(Chanyeol tumbles past their front door with his arm around the waist of another boy, and his eyes positively  _ light up _ when he sees that Jongdae is home, reading the cultural critiques of  Friedrich Nietzsche on the living room couch.)

There’s nothing particularly wrong with Byun Baekhyun, so to speak, but at first glance everything about the boy sends Jongdae’s blood boiling and emotions whirling for reasons unknown. Beautifully sparkly eyes look warmly at him from the entrance, and the appearance of that cheeky little smile is enough to lift anyone’s mood. Jongdae can see why Chanyeol likes him, but he can’t explain why his intuition tells him that Baekhyun is nothing but trouble.

(Perhaps the reason that he dislikes the other boy so much is that, Jongdae realizes later, Baekhyun is so easy to  _ like _ .)

But.

Here is his best friend. And clearly, he is enamoured. 

Chanyeol and his new boyfriend are looking at him expectantly, cheeks flushed from the cold, and Jongdae has to do  _ something _ . So he places his well-loved copy of  _ Thus Spoke Zarathustra _ down on the battered coffee table, sliding a red ribbon between its pages. Then he moves around the table, over to where the happy couple is standing, pasting a smile on his face that he hopes looks less frigid than it feels.

“Nice to meet you,” he says, offering his hand to the Byun boy who gladly takes it. “Be good to Yeollie over here, otherwise I’m probably going to have to kick your ass.”

He’s not completely sure whether he meant it as a joke, but Baekhyun lets out a delighted peal of laughter. “I wouldn’t dream of it,” he responds, his eyes crinkling at the corners.

~

“Baekhyun is too perfect,” Jongdae insists later when Chanyeol asks him what he thinks.

“He is, isn’t he,” Chanyeol sighs, flopping down on Jongdae’s bed, already lost on Cloud 9. Then he turns in Jongdae’s direction and grins. “But you like him, don’t you?”

Jongdae does, but he hates him all at the same time. It’s too confusing for himself to explain. Instead, he continues to argue for the sake of arguing. “He can’t be real. He’s probably hiding a terrible secret. No one is that flawless.”

“You’ll warm up to him,” says Chanyeol, playing along. “Everyone always does.”

(He’s right.)

A day at the bowling alley with mutual friends, complete with mini-golf, reveals that Byun Baekhyun is clumsy and terrible at sports. Somehow, it just makes Chanyeol adore him all the more, and he showers his boyfriend with hugs and kisses.

Jongdae wants to gag. Baekhyun smiles shyly, and welcomes Chanyeol’s affection.

_ Oh, how Jongdae hates him. _

\-----

_ II. anger _

Baekhyun is a fellow classmate, a friend of a friend, Jongdae learns when Chanyeol is recounting the story of how they met. It was by pure circumstance. Chanyeol was struggling with advanced physics, and Baekhyun happened to notice his suffering and happily offered his assistance.

This ticks Jongdae off, because as everyone knows, he himself is absolute trash at physics and has never been able to do much to help with Chanyeol’s studying. Now, it looks like he won’t need to try.

He can’t help his undying annoyance, because Byun Baekhyun is good at  _ everything _ .

(Jongdae is over the moon with joy when his literature professor finally graces him with an A minus on a paper and he’s proudly showing his accomplishment to Chanyeol when they hear a cry of “Yeollie!” from across the coffee shop, and he internally groans because he would know that shout anywhere and suddenly Baekhyun is there, excitedly thrusting a midterm test at them, one that has 98% marked on it in thick, bold ink. Jongdae’s heart sinks. Professor Wu, of the physics department, is notorious for giving impossible finals. Trust Baekhyun to score almost perfectly where everyone before him has received 85% at most. His own achievement no longer holds the same momentum it did two seconds ago.

“Dae!” Baekhyun exclaims after settling into the empty seat next to him. “You ordered my favorite!” 

And when Baekhyun snatches a fry from his plate, Jongdae looks down in surprise because he hadn’t even noticed.)

It is impossible to feel special when one is in the company of Byun Baekhyun, who is simply extraordinary. And Jongdae can’t even be upset about it.

Here’s the thing: Baekhyun never means to overshadow anyone; he just bounces along and  _ does _ .

~

At Chanyeol’s 22th birthday gathering of close friends, Baekhyun presents him with a Leatherbound Classics edition of  _ Anna Karenina.  _ Chanyeol loves it and blows a kiss across their little circle, seated on the carpet between the TV and couch. Baekhyun pretends to catch the air kiss and presses it to his chest - right over his heart - before he leans too far and topples into Kyungsoo, who elbows him. Everyone laughs. 

Baekhyun just jabs Kyungsoo right back and winks at Chanyeol. 

(Jongdae has to admit, they do make a very handsome couple.)

He watches the whole scene unfold from Chanyeol’s side, feeling lost and confused, because he had not even known that Chanyeol enjoyed Leo Tolstoy and somehow Baekhyun did.

Jongdae, who has spent a lifetime by Chanyeol’s side; Baekhyun, who has only been around for a month.

~

The morning after a particularly wild night, Jongdae wakes up on the couch in Kyungsoo and Baekhyun’s shared apartment with a crick in his neck and a terrible hangover. 

As he’s busy contemplating the best way to die, someone presses a glass of water into his hand. Not expecting the gesture, Jongdae sits up.

Baekhyun smiles at him, and Jongdae finds the half of him that likes Baekhyun starting to block out the half of him that doesn’t.

That lasts until breakfast. Kyungsoo cooks, and when he passes out the plates filled with food, a hand reaches over Jongdae’s plate and steals a strip of bacon. Jongdae looks up, eyes blazing with murderous intent, and meets the smirk of none other than Byun Baekhyun. 

“Fuck you,” Jongdae mouths when Chanyeol’s back is turned, but even then the words have no real malice behind them.

“You know you love me,” Baekhyun mouths back, before turning to pass a plate to Chanyeol with an innocent smile. 

Oh, how Jongdae _ hates him _ .

\-----

_ III. bargaining _

At Christmas time, Baekhyun wears an ugly sweater with a pom-pom for a reindeer’s nose and a fuzzy Santa hat and when Jongdae first arrives to Junmyeon’s house he has to look away because he wasn’t expecting someone so  _ cute _ to answer the door. 

Clearly, Chanyeol thinks so too because all throughout dinner, he gazes at Baekhyun with pure unadulterated  _ love  _ shining in his eyes. It is the first Christmas that Baekhyun will be spending with the usual crowd. But he fits so perfectly in their group - so effortlessly, like the last puzzle piece that completes a picture - that it feels like Baekhyun has been with them forever. 

After eating, when they’re all sitting on the floor in the living room and Baekhyun has just finished serenading them with a rendition of ‘Auld Lang Syne,’ Chanyeol wraps his arm around his boyfriend and tugs him close before leaning in to kiss him. There’s applause and drunken cheers, but in the midst of it all, Jongdae can feel his smile slipping.

He’s the best friend, the most important person in Chanyeol’s life other than his family by blood, and all at once Jongdae feels a burst of jealousy uncoiling in his stomach. 

It doesn't occur to him until about a week later to question himself as to who he's really jealous of.

~

The week after Jongdae gets his ear pierced, he catches Baekhyun looking at him with an unidentifiable emotion glimmering in his eyes. Then Baekhyun realizes he’s been caught and smiles at him, and whatever emotion Jongdae thought he saw is gone.

~

One day when Jongdae gets home from work, he unlocks the apartment and steps in only to be greeted with the sight of Chanyeol and Baekhyun making out on the couch. Suddenly, even home no longer feels safe. 

(Jongdae’s tired, he kind of hates everything because it feels like he’s losing his best friend, and he tells himself to ignore the clench in his gut that protests,  _ no, that’s not the reason you’re upset. _ )

“That’s my couch,” Jongdae says loudly, in the most serious voice he can muster. “Stop defiling it, please.”

The two fiends look up with matching Cheshire Cat grins, albeit appearing somewhat dazed. It is Baekhyun who gets to his feet, off of Chanyeol, holding out a hand to the other. He snickers, “Let’s go to your room, Yeol. Wouldn’t want to permanently scar Dae’s eyeballs.”

Chanyeol laughs and Jongdae swats them both as they pass to show them he thinks they are  _ the absolute worst. _

He forgives them later, because Kyungsoo has taught Baekhyun how to prepare his famous kimchi spaghetti and Baekhyun cooks it for them because there’s nothing else in the apartment that’s edible and also because he feels the need to thank Jongdae for always letting him come and go as he pleases in his and Chanyeol’s apartment. Jongdae doesn’t remind him that it’s a privilege that he is entitled to as Chanyeol’s boyfriend. 

Try as he might, he can’t hate the food. It’s delicious. Baekhyun is too talented for his own good.

Oh, how Jongdae  _ hates  _ him.

\-----

_ IV. depression _

On Baekhyun’s 24th birthday, Kyungsoo throws him an extravagant party with lots and lots of alcohol. Before long, everyone is inebriated, even the well and respectable Junmyeon.  

After several more hours of loud board games, Kyungsoo accusing Chanyeol of cheating at  _ Trouble _ , and even more drinking, Jongdae realizes that everyone is asleep on the floor except for Baekhyun and himself. The other seems to realize at precisely the same moment, and he scoots closer to Jongdae, who flinches away at first until he realizes that Baekhyun is holding a deck of cards.

“No,” slurs Jongdae, scooting towards the corner of the rug, next to Minseok. “I’m going to sleep, right here.”

Baekhyun snorts, then turns his best puppy dog expression on Jongdae. “Please?”

Even drunk and untidy, he’s still as irresistible as ever. The thing is, Jongdae doesn’t  _ want  _ to move. He has already arranged himself quite comfortably on the floor, using Minseok’s stomach as a pillow. He doesn’t  _ want  _ to get up and lose at cards with Byun Baekhyun.

But there's something about the little devil that Jongdae can't ignore, so he groans before sitting up again and letting Baekhyun deal the cards.

About forty three minutes later, the clock is nearing three in the morning and Jongdae is swaying and the suites have all gone blurry. 

“I really am sleeping now, and nothing you can say will convince me otherwise,” he announces. 

This time, Baekhyun lets him, mainly because he actually looks worried about his welfare and knows that Chanyeol would probably kill him if anything happened to his best friend. He helps Jongdae lay down on the floor before gently arranging a throw blanket over him. 

“Thanks for staying up with me,” Baekhyun whispers. The real surprise comes a moment later, when Jongdae feels the gentle brush of lips against his temple. 

Startled, he opens his eyes again only to find Baekhyun watching him with a strange expression, a stray beam of moonlight creeping in through the gap between the curtains and falling across his face. Jongdae wants to ask  _ why _ , but the alcohol is weighing his eyelids down and this is a struggle he loses every time.

The last thing he sees before drifting off to sleep is Baekhyun laying down and tucking himself into Chanyeol’s side, pulling his arm around his body.

~

Jongdae wakes up at the crack of dawn, a habit he acquired from college, when all his classes were at the earliest hour. Thus, he’s not surprised to find everyone else still asleep. With great difficulty, he pushes himself up and off the floor, noting the blanket that was covering the lower half of his body. He stumbles his way to the kitchen - pausing to kick aside a stray piece of wrapping paper at the entrance - to find something that will hopefully clear away the incessant pounding in his head.

Half an hour passes, and he has just managed to lessen the noise somewhat by gulping down several glasses of cold water when a quiet sigh of his name makes him look up.

(“ _ Jongdae _ ,” he hears.)

Baekhyun is standing in the doorway of the kitchen, rubbing his eyes with one hand and stifling a yawn with the other. It’s strange that the last two people to fall asleep would be the first two to wake up. 

Wordlessly, Jongdae sets a full glass of water on the marble countertop and turns back to the fridge to fill his own cup again. He doesn’t need to look at Baekhyun to know that the other is remembering the time when the roles were reversed. 

When he turns back and regards the other, Baekhyun still hasn’t made a move to get the water. Balancing one hip against the counter, Jongdae lifts an eyebrow and raises his own glass. “What, do you enjoy suffering?”

Baekhyun shrugs, and then he takes a step forward. It is an accident, the way he slips on the wrapping paper Jongdae had neglected to pick up half an hour earlier, and falls straight into Jongdae’s open arms which are somehow there at the right moment to catch him. Jongdae doesn’t know how it happened. He’s about to tip back his glass to take a drink, Baekhyun is about to crack his head open on the stone counter, his own heart is about to stop beating - and then the water is on the counter and he is holding Baekhyun up in his embrace, where it feels like he belongs.

And they are so close.

Jongdae does not know what makes Baekhyun do it. Perhaps it is because the earliest of the morning rays of sunlight have just started to slant in through the kitchen windows, casting an ethereal glow on them both in a mostly - empty kitchen that is otherwise covered with shadows, and it seems as though this might be the only chance life will allow the two of them.

“Maybe I do,” Baekhyun murmurs in response to the question, letting his gaze drop to Jongdae’s lips. Baekhyun kisses him then, his mouth slotting perfectly over Jongdae’s, and he kisses back and it’s a glorious feeling until who  _ he  _ is sinks in and who  _ Baekhyun  _ is sinks in and  _ what they're doing  _ sinks in and Jongdae pulls away, breathing more heavily than he would like. He stares at Baekhyun, desperately searching, even as thoughts of how little sleep Baekhyun got and how he didn’t have any water and therefore is still mad hungover flit across his mind.  

And then Baekhyun opens his mouth and whatever it is, Jongdae  _ can’t  _ hear it, can’t hear Baekhyun declare that this was a mistake  _ even though it was _ .

(When Jongdae was younger, his parents always taught him: when in the face of danger, save yourself and don't wait for someone else to save you.) 

So Jongdae does what he does best. He flees.

~

He runs as fast as he can - away from Baekhyun, away from him and Kyungsoo’s apartment building where his friends are still sleeping, away from emotions that he’s afraid to think about because he doesn’t know what it means for him - and he doesn’t stop running until he’s back in his own room, door closed and locked, in the _ flat that he shares with Chanyeol, for heaven’s sake. _

(What will he tell Chanyeol?)

After what feels like a lifetime spent buried in his covers, mulling over what happened, he ends up deciding that he will never tell Chanyeol because it was an accident and  _ will never happen again.  _

And Jongdae proceeds to forget the kiss. 

(During the process, a song lyric comes to mind:  _ When morning comes, you’ll wake up as if nothing happened.  _ The song is from a Korean band that he no longer remembers the name of because he only listened to them because their main vocalist was beautiful.)

The next time Jongdae sees Baekhyun, the latter pretends as though nothing out of the ordinary has occurred as well, but they both know that they can’t go back to how they were before.

(How could you do this to me, Byun Baekhyun?)

Oh, how Jongdae hates  _ him _ .

\-----

_ V. acceptance _

It has been no more than a month since the  _ incident _ when Baekhyun shows up to the flat one day while Chanyeol is working the night shift of his job. 

(Jongdae opens the door, honestly not knowing who he expects to find, but somehow he is not surprised when standing on the other side of his doorway is none other than Byun Baekhyun.

Jongdae blinks, not quite sure what the appropriate course of action is so he invites Baekhyun in and they sit at the dinner table in silence.)

Baekhyun’s sadness breaks something inside himself as well, the other’s unhappiness tugging at his heartstrings. But Jongdae is resolute because he knows that Baekhyun will be happy with the way things are, eventually. 

“I love Chanyeol,” Baekhyun finally says.

“I know,” Jongdae answers. For once, Baekhyun’s eyes do not twinkle.

More silence.

“I’m - ,” he gets out, unable to meet Jongdae’s eyes, before Jongdae interrupts. It is so easy for Jongdae to read Baekhyun’s expressions that he already knows what the other is trying to ask before he can form the right words. 

“No,” says Jongdae softly. “I hate you, remember?” 

Baekhyun looks up then, and Jongdae smiles at him. In the candlelight, he thinks he can maybe see a glistening tear slipping down Baekhyun’s cheek as he understands. He nods, and it’s like Jongdae has given him what he needed to hear all along.

~

“I think I'm going to propose,” Chanyeol says out of the blue in the middle of summer, during the hottest month of the year. He looks Jongdae directly in the eye, and Chanyeol’s features hold no accusation, only concern and empathy. 

And Jongdae realizes. He knows.

But he loves Chanyeol too much to ruin his happiness, and so he sacrifices his own, one small action at a time. To start, Jongdae smiles encouragingly at Chanyeol. “He’ll say yes. Of course he will.”

And Chanyeol understands that Jongdae is giving him much more than just his blessing and pulls him in for a hug, letting the silence say what words cannot.

(Because they’re both in love with the same boy, perhaps in different ways, but there is only one Byun Baekhyun.)

Two weeks later, Chanyeol actually proposes. Baekhyun says yes, of course he does. It’s a joyous affair, with shouts from their friends and tears in front of everyone. Baekhyun does not look at Jongdae once.

(They will be happily married, Jongdae knows. Chanyeol loves Baekhyun with all of his heart and Baekhyun feels the same for him. They are meant for one another, a match made in heaven. And Jongdae knows that his presence in Baekhyun's heart is only temporary, that it will eventually come to pass.)

~

He is Chanyeol’s best man at the wedding. And so he watches on, with no regrets, as his best friend marries the man that turned everything Jongdae thought he knew upside down, ever since Chanyeol first introduced him four years ago.

(He remembers that he never finished  Nietzsche.)

Jongdae thinks back to the first time that Baekhyun set foot in his apartment, and this time the smile on his face is genuine.

~

The morning after Chanyeol and Baekhyun’s wedding, Jongdae stands at the train station and thinks about the past few years.

(A week earlier, a letter came from his estranged family. His mother is terminally ill. And it was not until then that he realized a visit home to his family is something long overdue.)

So then, he is a caterpillar in a cocoon, awaiting metamorphosis. When he returns to the city and finally emerges from the safety of his self - created protection against his own ephemeral feelings, Kim Jongdae will no longer be concerned with Byun Baekhyun, the boy that is now his best friend’s husband.

_ Oh, how Jongdae loved him. _

 

fin.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!! comments and feedback are appreciated :)  
> extra fun fact: the song lyric that comes to jongdae’s mind is actually from 'she's dreaming' that he wrote!
> 
> (let's be friends on [twitter](http://www.twitter.com/wistfullywishes)! ♡)


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